Everything I did tonight was informed by the fact that I would never get to do this again so I had to lay everything on the line- no what if's or I wish- this was the time to pull it all out of the bag. One of my favourite scenes tonight was scene 2 with Claudia and Skilling. From the first time we blocked this scene to now, it has grown and matured with Sam and I becoming more confident and informed as to the subtext and intentions behind every word, glance and gesture. Tonight I felt like this scene came to fruition; all the little jokes seemed to land, it felt free and natural as both myself and Sam had come to control this scene with a give and take that made it come to life, with their friction causing sparks to form. To be able to reflect on this and come to say that this was one of my favourite scenes at the end of this process is an indication of how much we have changed over this process- scroll down this blog and you can find a post about how much Sam and I giggled doing this scene and yet it now feels like a scene that we are not just comfortable with but spontaneous with, to the point in which I kissed Sam onstage and it wasn't awkward or strange because it wasn't personal, not just as myself and Sam, but as Jeff and Claudia. It is so rewarding to look back and see this development because it gives me proof that all the work we put in paid off.
Another scene that I loved tonight was my last scene with Tat- the split scene between Claudia and Lay. So early on in the play I was saying goodbye to a scene partner that is a fundamental reason for the change made over these 5 months. Being able to look at Tatenda work with the grace and maturity helped me find that in myself; in the same way Claudia and Lay have a mother daughter relationship in the play, myself and Tat have shared this offstage too. Lay and Claudia's relationship is one we only get to see little snippets of so myself and Tat knew that we had to use those moments to show the depth of the relationship we had formed; and tonight was the last time we could showcase it. Tonight in that scene we both tried to extend the subtext of the scene to the maximum, with each line being carefully crafted in the same way you choose your words carefully when you talk to your mother or child. It is a scene that takes a real journey, one I don't think I ever appreciated fully until the moment it was all coming to an end. Finishing with this scene today didn't feel like 2 students with a great offstage friendship, it felt like 2 women with 15 years of life and business as a loyal bond connecting them for life.
It's either divine intervention or my stupidity, but this evening it was like the world knew this was my last night doing this so it remembered a line that I had overlooked for the whole rehearsal period. When Claudia has been fired and she is talking to Jeff she asks him to remember when his 'father showed [him] round his old college' and the line that follows is 'you told me about it our first night'. I have never said this line and although I have no idea why, as I was doing this scene and as I got to the place where the line was it just popped into my head. And it was like a missing piece of the puzzle. It made this scene feel complete. Everything Claudia ever says is so calculated- she has no throw away lines- and so to be able to re-add a line that I believe, changes the whole mood of the scene, let me finish off by allowing myself to feel my job had been done.
The one thing that I want another go at is the 1999 party scene- that routine that has haunted me throughout this season. Tonight was the most confident I have ever felt doing it, but it is at a level of confidence that I found halfway into the process with most of the other problems I encountered. I want to be able to do that scene with a self assurance that matches that of my character. I know that I feel confident with this character, but I let the act of performing that routine mask that in a scene where it was most important to feel confident as that scene is all about Claudia. It is her moment in the play and I don't think I ever allowed myself to feel the impact of that because that reality scared me. However, perhaps in the future, I'll be faced with a similar barrier and because of my work with Claudia I will be able to jump into it with more enthusiasm and faith and create something that matches the confidence level I wanted for this scene and in that way I will have done her justice.
Through tears tonight I was able to reflect and look back on this whole process. I entered it all still in disbelief that someone thought I could pull it off and I hope I've shown that what I saw as a gamble paid off. Talking to people I have known for years after the show and hearing them say the women they saw onstage was not me makes me hopeful that I brought Claudia to life. Of course it was never going to be me on that stage, but to know that I pulled off this character that for so long seemed out of reach is the most fulfilling feeling. How upset I am at the end of this is credit to how incredible this experience has been. I have been honoured and privileged to work with a company that has pushed me and broken barriers that no one else has ever come close to doing before. This is an immense journey for me and I can see a concrete change in the way I approach my work. Claudia will always stay with me, she is a part of me now as we share some of the same habits, thoughts and ambitions. I will always be in awe of this show and feel so lucky to have been a part of it. It's been the best 5 months of my 17 years. And I suppose all I can say now is forever and always- Enron.
