Performance no.3- and so it ends

This evaluation is a little horrible to write because it marks the end of my time working on Enron. It has been a wonderful, unforgettable experience that has taught me an immense amount of skills and changed both me as an actor and person- as cliche as that may sound; I will never slouch again, I will always have a preference to the colour red and I will always carry a Kleenex (or a tie) everywhere I go. I believe our last performance did us justice and was a perfect way to end this journey.

Everything I did tonight was informed by the fact that I would never get to do this again so I had to lay everything on the line- no what if's or I wish- this was the time to pull it all out of the bag. One of my favourite scenes tonight was scene 2 with Claudia and Skilling. From the first time we blocked this scene to now, it has grown and matured with Sam and I becoming more confident and informed as to the subtext and intentions behind every word, glance and gesture. Tonight I felt like this scene came to fruition; all the little jokes seemed to land, it felt free and natural as both myself and Sam had come to control this scene with a give and take that made it come to life, with their friction causing sparks to form. To be able to reflect on this and come to say that this was one of my favourite scenes at the end of this process is an indication of how much we have changed over this process- scroll down this blog and you can find a post about how much Sam and I giggled doing this scene and yet it now feels like a scene that we are not just comfortable with but spontaneous with, to the point in which I kissed Sam onstage and it wasn't awkward or strange because it wasn't personal, not just as myself and Sam, but as Jeff and Claudia. It is so rewarding to look back and see this development because it gives me proof that all the work we put in paid off.

Another scene that I loved tonight was my last scene with Tat- the split scene between Claudia and Lay. So early on in the play I was saying goodbye to a scene partner that is a fundamental reason for the change made over these 5 months. Being able to look at Tatenda work with the grace and maturity helped me find that in myself; in the same way Claudia and Lay have a mother daughter relationship in the play, myself and Tat have shared this offstage too. Lay and Claudia's relationship is one we only get to see little snippets of so myself and Tat knew that we had to use those moments to show the depth of the relationship we had formed; and tonight was the last time we could showcase it. Tonight in that scene we both tried to extend the subtext of the scene to the maximum, with each line being carefully crafted in the same way you choose your words carefully when you talk to your mother or child. It is a scene that takes a real journey, one I don't think I ever appreciated fully until the moment it was all coming to an end. Finishing with this scene today didn't feel like 2 students with a great offstage friendship, it felt like 2 women with 15 years of life and business as a loyal bond connecting them for life.

It's either divine intervention or my stupidity, but this evening it was like the world knew this was my last night doing this so it remembered a line that I had overlooked for the whole rehearsal period. When Claudia has been fired and she is talking to Jeff she asks him to remember when his 'father showed [him] round his old college' and the line that follows is 'you told me about it our first night'. I have never said this line and although I have no idea why, as I was doing this scene and as I got to the place where the line was it just popped into my head. And it was like a missing piece of the puzzle. It made this scene feel complete. Everything Claudia ever says is so calculated- she has no throw away lines- and so to be able to re-add a line that I believe, changes the whole mood of the scene, let me finish off by allowing myself to feel my job had been done.

The one thing that I want another go at is the 1999 party scene- that routine that has haunted me throughout this season. Tonight was the most confident I have ever felt doing it, but it is at a level of confidence that I found halfway into the process with most of the other problems I encountered. I want to be able to do that scene with a self assurance that matches that of my character. I know that I feel confident with this character, but I let the act of performing that routine mask that in a scene where it was most important to feel confident as that scene is all about Claudia. It is her moment in the play and I don't think I ever allowed myself to feel the impact of that because that reality scared me. However, perhaps in the future, I'll be faced with a similar barrier and because of my work with Claudia I will be able to jump into it with more enthusiasm and faith and create something that matches the confidence level I wanted for this scene and in that way I will have done her justice.

Through tears tonight I was able to reflect and look back on this whole process. I entered it all still in disbelief that someone thought I could pull it off and I hope I've shown that what I saw as a gamble paid off. Talking to people I have known for years after the show and hearing them say the women they saw onstage was not me makes me hopeful that I brought Claudia to life. Of course it was never going to be me on that stage, but to know that I pulled off this character that for so long seemed out of reach is the most fulfilling feeling. How upset I am at the end of this is credit to how incredible this experience has been. I have been honoured and privileged to work with a company that has pushed me and broken barriers that no one else has ever come close to doing before. This is an immense journey for me and I can see a concrete change in the way I approach my work. Claudia will always stay with me, she is a part of me now as we share some of the same habits, thoughts and ambitions. I will always be in awe of this show and feel so lucky to have been a part of it. It's been the best 5 months of my 17 years. And I suppose all I can say now is forever and always- Enron.

Performance no.2- the novelty that is Claudia Roe slipping up (literally)

Tonight is cursed by tradition- a 4:30pm show is always rumoured to be the worst, but best is the only way for Enron and we weren't about to be stopped by superstition.

The big thing that I took forward from our last show was Ben's note which was I needed to be much, much louder. I was disappointed that I hadn't projected as well as I thought because if I'm not getting the words to every member of the audience, I can't tell them the story and thus am not doing my job. I think it will something I will be aware of tonight which will hopefully help me to push my projection even more so there is not a moment that the audience misses. Plus we were allowed to keep the tie improvisation from last week which felt good because it's little things like that that make you feel you've left your mark on the show.

The most memorable part of today's performance was when I slipped up- not on my lines, not on an entrance or exist, but quite literally slipped on some excess bubble liquid from the previous scene. This was, as you can imagine, a little embarrassing for me because as someone who has spent a lot of time working on a character that appears to know what she's doing, a women who walks with grace and elegance and holds herself with poise and style; to slip would to her be an outrage. I know in the grand scheme of things me slipping and not even falling is not that bad, but it's one of those things that you can't forget because it bugs you. I was able to disguise it somewhat because the next line is quite aggressive so when I slipped and stumbled causing me to be very heavy footed, I pretended she was stamping her foot and tried to cover it all up by presenting her as excessively exasperated. It isn't a catastrophic error but just something that impacted on my personal reflection of the show.

Also, Claudia's ride didn't turn up tonight- the table for the 1999 party scene had been put away behind the curtains and props had been put on top so I couldn't access it for the entrance. So Mani, Issac and I had to make an entrance from an old black and white movie- a lady with a gentleman on each arm; only difference is that Claudia is no lady and the Enron employee's were no gentlemen. When I walked in to set myself for my entrance and saw no table I panicked. This scene makes me nervous anyway because out of all of them I find this the most exposing and struggle with letting go. Therefore when something goes wrong it just agitates you even more. However walking on actually made me feel more confident; I felt felt rooted and strong and it led into the rest of the scene well. And we still kept the showgirl vibe because before Mani and Issac let me go I gave them both a kiss- Claudia sealing the deal that this entrance, this routine, this party was hers.

Last performance the split scene left me and Tatenda a little drowned out. In this scene Kai brings such a witty, entertaining humour that is enticing to any audience. So when Tat and I were having our scene, Kai's reaction to Skilling doing stretches downstairs was the more entertaining part. So what was happening on the balcony was being lost. Both Tat and I picked up on this and knew that this time around we needed to push the intensity of our scene because if it was never going to be as funny, it could be just as interesting this time around. I believe tonight that a mixture of an improved vocal awareness and a more detailed account of Claudia and Lay's relationship meant we were able to stand our ground in this scene alongside the boys. Putting two scenes paralleled with each other inspires a nature of competition onstage and the only way we could draw level with the scene below was to raise the stakes and amplify the intensity of the scene which I believe we achieved tonight and I felt the audience was engaged with our scene just as much as the scene on the ground.

Now we only have one show left and so there is no chance to write another evaluation saying 'next time I will'. Therefore I want to learn from these shows and every single rehearsal we've ever done; I know what needs to be done and a lot of problems have been solved during and outside of the theatre so now it is about trusting in the whole piece and knowing these problems can be solved as they arise and what is more important now is living, playing and enjoying this whole experience.

I'll remember that (and not just because he got CFO)

If someone came to watch our rehearsal, they would probably be concerned with the amount of time I just spend watching Kai work, but is genuinely because Kai has a gift in so much that 5 months of watching and reworking his scenes can occur and yet he still is just as entertaining. I believe he embodies everything we are all trying to get out of this play.

 

A note which I have heard throughout this process is that I need to play more and Kai is living proof of what that means. He understands every single side of what's he saying and brings it to life with such animation and maturity; going from a guy getting all happy about Jurassic Park to a man with an idea for a shadow business that became the beating heart of Enron's underhand business. This man is one of duplicity and variation and Kai has such control when performing every aspect of the character. 

 

There is something about him that you are naturally drawn to, but more than that Kai works for the audiences attention- he employs a range of facial expression, has a handle on comedic timing that textures the play beautifully and he interacts with this characters with such personal investment, even if is just for 2 seconds. I spend all of 5 minutes onstage with Kai and we say all of 5 words directly to each other, but in the moments that he catches my eyes the reaction's he has are so sharp, with him being aware of all the little subtexts which makes me truly believe that he thinks, lives and breathes as this man. Even in all the photos of the production, in each one there is not a moment where he isn't alive behind the eyes or he's dropped his physicality- his performance and choices have translated beyond the 3 sided theatre we performed in; it is clear from the feedback that Kai is someone who spoke to the audience on such a deep level causing them to invest in this man wholeheartedly.

 

When I go to the theatre I don't want to work at believing the characters, that is there job and with Kai he performs with such effortless depth and knowledge that speaks of an actor beyond his years. Even by just watching and observing I believe there is much I can learn from his performance.

Performance no.1- a guide to wiping away your problems with a tie

Today was what we'd all been waiting for- our opening night. The importance of this night could not be underestimated: it was our first time performing for an audience, if tonight went well it would effect our whole season and it was the time to prove to both Ben and ourselves that all our work over the past 5 months had payed off.

The feeling I had when I stepped out on to that stage was very odd- backstage I felt so scared, frightened at the prospect of taking all those fears and concerns from the whole process and showing them to an audience of strangers, family and friends. However when I walked out onto that stage it just felt right somehow. Seeing everyone doing the opening sequence, walking past, observing, living as this wondrous women, interacting with Lay and saying my first words to Skilling; an audience hadn't made us shrink into the background. I honestly believe that our confidence in the work we had produced shone thorough and we wanted to share it. We have been working on this for months so perhaps we've become used to the crazy world we've been inhabiting, but it is the kind of world and work that needs an audience to truly live and breath. Enron was an international affair and the play and so is the play just on a smaller scale. I felt the cast support me as soon as I entered and that continued throughout the whole performance.

And yet this performance wasn't plain sailing. By the second scene I was already posed with a problem. One of my favourite lines 'you got a Kleenex?' is usually met with Sam handing me a tissue and yet tonight due to the tissue not being in his pocket I was met with a 'no'. There was a moment in which I wanted to say 'yes you do, otherwise we're screwed' and yet something that perhaps proves Claudia has slowly effected my instincts is that instead of shrugging my shoulders and walking away, I retorted 'sorry loser' and proceeded to take Sam's tie and wipe my leg with that instead. One of the images I will take away from this performance is Sam's jaw dropping when I did this, as he was clearly disgusted with the women he saw in front of him which was such a wonderful fuel for the next scene. The gasps in the audience made me feel like a women who was so in control and dangerous which is how I have been trying to exist within this character for some time. It  was definitely my favourite moment from today's performance because when trying to keep playing in this piece, having this opportunity presented to me meant I opened my first night with a jaw-dropping bang.

There were aspects of today's show that didn't work, the main for me being the E Trader scene which I feel didn't translate to the audience at all. It felt to me like we were all grappling to make our individual elements work and yet forgot to observe what everyone else was doing onstage. I think that we were all out sync and it didn't bring the same vibe that all the other scenes did. I think the problem was that we knew it was a aesthetically pleasing and so relied on this rather than the technique in the piece. I think that this will be something we will need to work on before the next show because unlike all the other scenes, it didn't match the energy or slick execution.

The big thing that everyone knew was going on was some of the technical difficulties. Some weren't deliberate and was just bad luck like the gun and most of the time we couldn't really blame ourselves for technical difficulties but it was only after the show that I was informed that there was a mistake in which we all were accountable for.  A mic was left on backstage and because people were talking the sound was heard in the auditorium. This was gutting for us because in a show that relies on professionalism to reach it's full potential, such a stupid mistake makes the whole thing lose that element to it that makes it more than a bunch of students performing a script. It's horrible to think that a mistake like this may have cost us a great show.

Overall I was happy with everything that happened in today's performance. Although there a definitely things that need to be smoothed out, the reaction of our audience was exactly the one we aimed to get. I believe we did bring this world to life, but technicalities may have meant we slipped in and out so we need to address these and make sure they don't effect either of the next performances.

Cleaning up the mess

Our physical sequences are either what are going to make or break the show. And hopefully after cleaning some of them up a bit in rehearsal, they will be making it.

As the office sequence was something I helped create, today I was attempting to create a little bit of structure in the whole piece. Each person has a different focus in the piece so today I created motifs for the mobiles, the keyboards and the paper. Each sequence should fit the count of 4.


The mobiles

The mobile phone sequence I created was as follows:

• take 3 steps forward holding the phone to your ear.
• On the third step move your arm away from your body/head and use your fourth step to jump and meet it.
• Then once you've re-joined your phone turn your feet and head off in a new direction.

The keyboards

The keyboard sequence I created was as follows:

• Hold the keyboard plat across your arms.
• Hit the keyboard 3 times and on the fourth beat throw the keyboard and catch it on its side.
• Holding the keyboard vertically in your right hand with the keys facing away from you tap the keys 3 times again and on the fourth beat throw it so it lands facing outwards.
• Balanced across your arms with the keys facing away tap the keys 3 times and on the fourth beat throw the keyboard back into it's original position.

The paper


The paper sequence I created was as follows:

• Holding the paper in front of you take 2 steps forward.
• On the third beat stand still but step one leg out to the side to form a wide squat.
• On the fourth beat raise the paper above your head and leave it balancing on your back.
• Wait over the count of 4 and then begin the sequence again heading off in a new direction.

My aim with these sequences was to make short, simple, repeatable actions that create opportunities for the ensemble onstage: the extended arm somewhere to quickly duck under, a keyboard facing your direction to quickly tap something onto and a paper resting on someone's back for you to quickly read and sign. With the 4 beat pattern none of the pace is lost but hopefully if everyone can learn and commit to the moves it will tidy up much of the lose ends that make the scene lose the sharp, business edge that I think will make it spectacular. If everyone has a better understanding of what they are doing it will translate to the audience as a world of purpose and power where the employees played around with the creative boundaries of business.

Learning to walk and talk like Claudia Roe- the walk

My posture is not a trait that I believe will win any awards, so unfortunately for Claudia who does everything in life to win that had to change. After the tech Ben wanted to do some work with me on my posture because there is a clear difference between the way I hold myself and the way she does.

Let it be known that the route to good posture is not a pain free one; the exercises we did to- quite literally- push everything me about my posture out of my shoulders and back were a little strenuous. We first started with me in semi supine with someone applying weight through the palms of their hands down through my shoulders. Slowly over time more pressure was added with the aim of getting my shoulders to lie flat on the floor in smooth continuation with my back. Next was an exercise that was one of the strangest exercises I have ever performed in a rehearsal room. Staying laid down, someone positions their feet so as to sit in the right angle between your shoulder and your neck.  Then you raise your hands over your head so the person sat by your head can have a firm grip on your arms. It is important (and seemingly less painful) to release all tension in your arms and give the other person full control as it just makes the whole activity work better. Then the person sat by your head will begin to push down on one of your shoulder; almost pushing down through your shoulder whilst pulling the opposite arm towards them (left shoulder pushed, right arm pulled). They will continue this, switching which shoulders and arm is being pushed and pulled until the final step of pushing and pulling on both shoulders and arms simultaneously. I would recommend that through this exercise you maintain a steady breathing pattern; I tried to hold my breath to hide the part of me that felt my body was undergoing a medieval torture technique, but as Ben pointed out to me, I wasn't fooling anyone anyway so why not allow my body the one thing I was able to provide it with in that moment- plus it helped a lot when I allowed myself to breath through the pain. Then your partner relinquishes their control of your shoulders and arms and allows you to just lie there for a moment so your body can readjust to it's new found length. After slowly coming up to standing Sam and I performed one of our scenes and with Ben pulling my shoulders down and back occasionally we had a new woman in front of us and more importantly one who replicated Claudia more closely.

The purpose of these exercises are looking about opening, relaxing and lengthening my spine, dropping the shoulders and gaining a posture which oozes 100x more confidence, class and Claudia. Then we looked at how to move with this posture. I have a tendency to tilt my head down, whereas someone who wanted to walk into a room looking confident and self assured, both of which Claudia are, they would keep their head up at all times, not afraid of anyone's eye contact or anything they see because they are above most of it anyway- why would they be apprehensive? Then it was about leading with my chest. Walking around leading with your chest not only helps your shoulders to stay down but it helps keep your head up, so it was the glue holding the two together. Walking around like this at first  made me feel so stupid because it's so different and it felt a bit wanky if I'm honest because it's not me at all. It is something that makes me feel really uncomfortable because this posture is so open and you have no defence, but people like Claudia don't need them. That's an odd concept to grasp. yet as I continued to walk in this way, in fact it was only once I'd walked to the station trying to keep this new found posture that I genuinely felt like this had cracked part of her character for me. It's one of the final puzzle pieces and it has opened up new doors for me in my approach to the character. It has made me feel more confident and that's what matters because even if I'm not on the night if something makes me look like I am, that illusion is sometimes enough.

Tech Run

Today was a day we had been building to for a while- a run in costume, a run in the space, a run with our props- today was our tech run. It felt so cool to be in the space in costume with hair and make-up, in my heels, in my red dress; the cast were brimming with excitement and it felt really special.

I was able to see the set in the plot, but for some people this was the first time they'd seen the set in it's full glory and to see everyone's faces was something that filled me with such joy. I described it as being a 'kid in a candy store' and we had gone and described all we'd seen to the cast, but had no visual evidence to show them, so to see all those fantasies and expectations be realised and brought to life was beautiful. I felt a shift in the whole cast; a belief flooded through us all which had come from the set something that had boosted this world in the stratosphere. Our world had expanded and evolved to epic proportions. Plus this is the first time that I had seen the whole cast in there costume. We were able to see some costume in the costume parade, but to see the whole cast stood in the space suited and booted, looking like icons of 90s business was a surreal experience- we've painted this wondrous picture and now we have to get it to stand out in the gallery.

To tech a play is a long process, but it was really important to figure out all the things that needed to be done so we could make this whole piece as slick as possible because I believe that is what is standing between us being good and great. I think as a whole one of the main things I got from today was that this set has to feel like my home, my work place of 15 years; I know all corridors, floors, cupboards, basements- it is my dominion. Therefore when I'm working I need to make use of the set and not let it work against me, but lift me and guide my choices in the moment. I think today because things were changing and we were being interrupted and moved around it was difficult to focus on forming a relationship with the set and yet I believe that this is imperative to do before our performance next week. The scale of this is set is grander than grand so it is easy to get lost in it. If I want to stand my ground within it, I need to feel comfortable with my surroundings and understand my journey within it.

I loved being on the balcony in this run. In rehearsals we've all just been imagining the height of the platform and the difference it will make to our scenes, but actually being up there makes you feel like you are in a top floor office or on a rooftop with a view of the city and it makes my experience throughout the play take on another dimension. When I'm working with someone on a different level I can create strong choices about how to position myself in relation to them and how to use the height to assert power and dominance or contrasting that being lost and isolated. To have this key detail finally there to play around with and experience was really great.

The scene that didn't work today was the E Trader scene. In all honesty there wasn't any element of this scene that landed and we were all over the place. Such a strong run began to crumble because of this scene. We have spent so much time making sure we have built a world and characters that are self assured and confident and yet there was an atmosphere in the room that indicated to everyone onstage that we had no clue what we were doing. In some ways I'm glad the issue was raised in the tech in the hope that we can resolve it before the next show.

Some important things I am going to take from today's tech run are:

• I need to be very careful on the stairs. Because of the material they are constructed from my heel is thin enough to slip through the gaps which happened in the run today and it could both look bad and throw me off. I just need to remember to walk on my toes so I don't lose a shoe midway through the show. 
• I need to time my costume changes well and make sure everything is where I need it to be. However perhaps more importantly than this I need to help the other girls when I'm not needed onstage. For a large proportion of the second half I am offstage, but some of the other girls have some quick changes and if I can I need to be there to assist them in getting changed. 
• Make sure I know where all my props are and map out my journey with them in the play so nothing is left onstage when I need it for the next scene. 
• Volume- you always forget how much you need to project in a theatre, let alone when you have an audience on three sides so I need to make sure that intimate moments do not happen at the expense of my projection. 
• My posture needs to replicate that of confident 40 year old with status and power and maintained throughout.
• I need to find my light at all times. I need to have the awareness to understand where the light is and isn't hitting my face and move into it if need be.