Today we worked on the 1999 NYE scene. We have decided to change my entrance because the logistics of the whole thing was ruining the effect. So now I am being wheeled in on one of the tables, which matches the lift in dramatic effect and just avoids the problem of gravity. We worked completely on that scene today just trying to inject as much precision and energy into the scene so it lives up to the expectation that many people in the audience will have for a scene that may be reliving one of the craziest parties they ever attended.
However today I had a real problem. I have been asked to do a lot of things that push me, but this was something that brought me the closest I have come to turning around and just telling Ben that I couldn't do it. Ben wanted my dance once I arrived in the space to be something bigger and better; the word that describes what I thought he was going for is showgirl. And I was to use Mani as a prop, my own personal pole to dance on. This was like my worst nightmare, like someone had taken everything that made me feel sick to my stomach with nerves and asked me to do it. In that moment when I was trying to improvise something that both matched Ben's expectations and worked within my limitations all I could see in my head was a 1950s Marilyn Monroe sequence from 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.'
In fact after I was dismissed I went home and watched it and here was my problem- to me, no costume, no accent, no music, no self belief could transform me into this sort of women onstage so to me doing this was just walking on stage and humiliating myself. Over and over again I have had to remind myself that I took this role too challenge myself and over the months the things I've learnt and the way I've developed has shocked me and yet this was the one thing I wasn't sure anyone could talk me into doing.
However I've had some time since the session to reflect on the way I feel. All of these feelings are because of me- this is not how I choose to act or present myself and it's not how I want to be judged. However if I walked on stage and people judged me in the same way people judged Claudia, it would be fundamentally wrong because you cannot judge or interpret any of actions to parallel one another. Therefore the audience have no choice but to invest in this character to bring this world to life. My job is to make that job as easy as possible. I do this because I love the transformation- if I wanted to play myself I would never have even read Enron. And yet here I am, two weeks away from our show. In this session I froze, went inside myself and worked within my limitations, but the fundamental difference of me pulling this all off is me constantly working against my fears. I won't be able to stop pushing from the first to last moment and that work is scary but it will create that buzz, that energy which has made me fall in love with this show. I do this this because I like being other people for a time, I like getting in their minds and bodies, I like being effected and affecting others with my character and Claudia offers me all of that- I've now just have to accept the offer she is making.
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